


311. remain nameless

by piggy09



Series: The Sestre Daily Drabble Project [202]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 08:31:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9376862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piggy09/pseuds/piggy09
Summary: “Helena—” Sarah starts again, gently, and Helena blurts “I want my babies to have your last name.”





	

There’s condensation beading on the side of Sarah’s water glass. She can’t stop looking at it, watching the droplets trickling slowly down the side. Maybe it’s just the surreality of the situation: Helena inviting Sarah into Alison’s house, offering her water from Alison’s sink, giving it to her in Alison’s glass. Here they are, on Alison’s couch. Sarah doesn’t even know where Alison is. Soccer practice? Karate? Basket-weaving? And why is Helena fidgeting so much, anyways?

“Your water isn’t breaking, is it?” she says, smirking a little so Helena can tell it’s a joke. Helena just stares at her blankly.

“It’s your water,” she says. “And no, it is not broken.”

There is a fleeting moment where Sarah debates the pros and cons of explaining this part of the miracle of childbirth to Helena right now. The moment passes. She takes a nice big drink of water, to cover the silence.

Then she lowers the glass. “So,” she says. “You said it was important? When you texted. What’s happenin’, Helena?”

Helena fidgets some more. It’s impressive, considering the enormous mountain of her stomach. She manages the twitches anyways. She stares at her fingers. She does not look even remotely ready to answer Sarah’s question.

“Helena—” Sarah starts again, gently, and Helena blurts “I want my babies to have your last name.”

Sarah’s hand slips on the water glass, but it’s fine: the water doesn’t break. “What?” she says stupidly.

“I don’t have one,” Helena says. “A last name, a family name, but my babies have a family and I want this thing for them. You are their _titka_. And I thought – maybe. If. You wanted.”

Well, what does Sarah say to that. Even if she did have something to say: how would she say it around the lump in her throat, enormous and sharp. _This isn’t even my name_ , she wants to explain. _They gave it to me when I got dumped in the foster system, same way they wrapped me in a shitty blanket. It’s not a family name. It’s just my shitty last name._ Instead she drinks more water. Helena is visibly vibrating next to her; Sarah realizes now it’s from nerves. Oh, god, Helena. Sometimes Sarah just wants to hug her, or ruffle her hair, or do something else ridiculous.

“You sure?” she says when she lowers the glass. “I mean – yeah, ‘course, it’s yours, you’re family, but…”

“You said yes,” Helena says immediately, the wavering of her voice turning it into a question. “I can?”

“Yeah,” Sarah says. “Yeah, you can. Go for it.”

She looks up from the water pooling on her fingertips. Helena is _beaming_ , toothy and lopsided in her face. Sarah manages part of a smile back.

“I am sure,” Helena says earnestly. “Much – much sure. When they are born, they will belong, and they will have you and their _kuzyna_ Kira and they will not be alone. This will be good for them.

“And I know,” she continues hastily, “that they will have their aunties and uncles and they all have very different last names, I am understanding, but…” she fidgets with her fingers. “Um. Thank you.”

Sarah leans her head against the back of the couch. “Can I tell you something?” she says.

“Yes,” Helena says.

“You said you didn’t want them to end up like you,” Sarah says slowly. “I – I don’t want them to end up like me either.” She rolls her head to the side so she can see Helena staring at her, solemn and sad. She gets it. Sarah doesn’t know how she knows, that Helena gets it. But she knows.

“They will have each other,” Helena says. “No one will separate them. No one will send them away, to be alone. I will make sure of this. If anyone tries, I will kill them.” The last part is said with a nonchalant tone that Sarah should probably try and correct, but right now it’s too much of a comfort. Her chest aches in a way she doesn’t want to think too hard about – the idea of someone working that hard, to keep those kids safe and together and not sitting on a shitty bed in a shitty foster home, biting their lips and trying not to cry.

“Good,” she says, voice a teary croak. “That’s – good, Helena, I’m real glad.”

Helena bobs her head, sucking her lips between her teeth.

“You decided what you’re gonna name ‘em?” Sarah says quietly.

“No,” Helena says. “When they come. I will know. But no matter what, they will have a name to catch them.”

“Mine,” Sarah says. The word sounds strange, but it’s true. Her – nieces, or nephews, and they’ll have her name. And she’ll look after them. And Helena will too.

“Yes,” Helena says, voice strong and certain.

“Hope they use it better than I did,” Sarah says.

“I hope,” Helena says, “that they use it just like you.” When Sarah looks at her she isn’t even smiling, like she could pass it as a joke – she’s just staring at Sarah, unblinking, heartbreakingly sincere.

“I,” Sarah says, and she doesn’t say anything else. It’s okay. She knows Helena knows.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please kudos + comment if you enjoyed! :)


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